One of her first moves as a young director was to take a veteran staff & put them through one of those team building classes. Full confession. I hate those things. I am pretty certain she was the only one excited about it. It sure didn't improve morale as we had more issues in a dysfunctional work environment than a Ropes course was going to repair.
Don't we as Christians do this as well? We go to the next big teaching & everything is going to change for us. Sometimes months later I can't even remember the name of the conference/teaching I attended.
This spring I attended a 13 week work shop at our church, Lifepoint. It was the Freedom Conference offered through the Church of the Highlands. I heard terms like what a game changer it would be. Full disclosure I hear that term & I immediately think about all the times I have heard that before in church & it turned out not to be true. It is like when someone views a new movie & goes on & on about how great it is. By the time you see it you might walk away thinking it was really good but it had been built up so big that in essence the movie is a let down.
I won't say that about Freedom Conference. The first twelve weeks were good, not earth shattering but the final day was the culmination of it all & that day did not fall short. In fact, it met the conference build up for me. No small task.
I attended the last day with the attitude of I have come this far. I might as well take the final step even if it means all day on a Saturday when the beach weather was great for the first time in days. But my attitude as I arrived that morning was if this is suppose to be a big purge of my soul with a bunch of strangers they can forget me participating. Hold that thought.
Someone like my group leader Randy could explain just what Freedom entails far better than I. It has been hard to put into words when I have been asked. My attempt to explain here is probably lacking terribly but I will give it a try.
Empty your spirit of any past things that may still be hindering you. At the end ask for a filling of the Holy Spirit to replace what God has removed completely. Walk away that day ready to make the Word of God more prevalent in your life as you encounter situations.
As I went through the steps that day my attitude shifted. My heart was open. There were things in my past that while not bragged about they were spoken about with my wife, Julie. She has lived a good Christian life for all of her life. I have done anything but that. My past far more checkered. I probably did more bad in one day than all her days combined. That is not meant to be an overstatement. It has not been a real problem for us but it has been joked about, especially in regards to my sexual history.
By the time we reached that step. Remember this is the guy that went there to reveal little. I approached one of the prayer leaders & with tears streaming down my face I said, "I really want all this gone. I want to feel as if I belong to Julie & her alone in this lifetime. I want my past gone."
We had been encouraged to write down names of our past before the prayer. Where as I once would have wrote down those names in a bragging way. This was anything but. (Disclaimer- no one looks at what you write. It is between God & you what you reveal & what you don't.) After the prayer we were to tear them into little pieces & leave that part of our past scattered on the floor. I went one step more. I walked to the Cross in the room & tore it up at the foot of it.
I came home exhausted. Collapsing in my bed. I found out the next day I was not alone in that act. I told Julie there were to be no more jokes about my past in that regard. It was in the past & we were going to live in the present. I belonged with her, to her, & to her alone.
As I moved forward I wrote three things on the chalkboard we have mounted on the wall by the front door. Past, Present, Petty.
We were allowing ourselves to get way too bogged down in the pettiness of this life. It is easy to do & I am pretty sure we all do it. The word petty means- of little importance; trivial.
If we believe in our God to be so colossal isn't much of what troubles us-petty? I am not discounting real struggles by any means. At this moment when I pray there are four people I know in a battle with cancer. But what about the other stuff? Unexpected car repairs. How about driving? How about that driver that in a traffic jam can't clear the intersection drives forward anyway because the light is green? They sit in the middle of the intersection unable to move & the light changes to red & then the other people can't drive because the intersection is blocked. That probably should be a capital offense. But regardless of how strongly I feel about it, isn't it a minor thing in our day? Even a petty thing to get upset about?
So I came out of Freedom, shared all this with Julie, & we have just been so above being petty now for weeks. Yeah, right. I knew as soon as I made that declaration we were going to be tested & boy have we been. Right away there was a situation with Julie where we felt like one set of rules had been applied to her & a different set for a newcomer. I can take being slighted, well I try anyway but don't slight my wife. The gloves come off then. But we recognized it as a test & we pointed out all the valid reasons why her situation was handled differently.
As I look back we have allowed many petty items to return. I don't like it. I want to always remember that one word, petty, that I came out of Freedom with.
I have been traditionally published once for my novel, The River Hideaway. There were countless rejections along the way. I have other stories written & I remember long ago an author I read saying that they were disillusioned by the thinking that once they were published one time it would get easier.I guess there was a reason that has stuck with me all these years.
A few weeks ago a writing friend told me of a publisher in North Carolina that might be a good fit. I followed directions. I shared of the successful book signings at Barnes & Noble & how I had an open door to return to their stores. I shared of the magazine article that was published nationally last year. I tried not to but I got my hopes up. They asked for the first twenty pages. The rejection letter came this week & I was not in the area they are interested in. This one hit harder. Maybe I am losing hope. Maybe I am beginning to think no matter how much my heart's desire is to be a writer it may not be God's plan for me. Is the writing a big deal to all of us that write? Yes it is. But my reaction of going into a funk was petty. Julie knew when she came home what was wrong even though I share little of my writing world with her. I don't want to disappoint her so if I ever land another book deal she will be the first to know but only after it is a done deal. Contracts signed.
Today at Lifepoint as I was listening to Pastor Jeff the story of Mary & Martha came to me.
40 But Martha was very busy and distracted with all of her serving responsibilities; and she approached Him and said, “Lord, is it of no concern to You that my sister has left me to do the serving alone? Tell her to help me and do her part.” 41 But the Lord replied to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered and anxious about so many things; 42 but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part [that which is to her advantage], which will not be taken away from her.”
Couldn't Jesus just as easily be saying, "Billy, Billy, you are worried & anxious about many things? Or insert your name into the scripture. Maybe we should do that more. Insert our name into the passage.
A wonderful friend in our small group, Dennis has shared his story about coming to Jesus. The preacher was quoting, "Lazareth come forth," as he sat in church. That is not what he heard. He heard clearly, "Dennis, come forth."
This morning I was reading Mark Batterson's book, Play the Man. There was one line that jumped out at me & reminded me of how petty I can be.
One of the dragon's most insidious lies is that God is holding out on you.
That will probably leave a mark. I could easily say, "Well great for you to write that. You have the writing break you desired." Truthfully, I have thought that about others but never in jealousy. What someone else has is of little concern of mine & it will add nothing to my statue by resenting their success. It cost me nothing to be happy for them & I am particularly glad that Mark received his break because I have read almost every book he has written. He is my favorite Christian writer.
Believe it or not my one deal being traditionally published & all the money I made :( (maybe $1500.00) brought out jealousy in other writers that never have been able to be traditionally published. Some would hint to Julie & to me. "Now did Billy pay the publisher anything?" It reached a point where I thought about producing my contract which stated I would never be asked for $$$$. But then my pettiness might match theirs. Let people think what they want. There is a short list of people I need approval from & as long as I keep God at the top of that list everything else will fall into place.
I do not know if I will ever be published again & it is my heart's desire. That is nothing small for any of us. But the way I react is. I can take it in stride & believe God has other plans for me or I can act petty. The choice is mine. I can continue to seek & follow God's path or go my own way as I have most of my life-telling God just how He should use my gifts along the way.
During a particularly frustrating time, I exclaimed, "Rather a thousand copies with You God than a million without You." It shocked me that I meant that. I still do. In fact, I will add, "Rather no publishing contract ever with You, than a million without You." I have learned things gained without His hand will never be what I desire them to be.
I think it is time for those three words to go back on the chalkboard as a reminder. Our God is bigger than any words to describe.
Past- Leave it there. Don't bring it back up.
Present- Each day is a new day with our Lord. Let's treat it that way & not get too far ahead. (I am guilty of that one as well.)
Petty- Keep the small stuff small. Don't let it interrupt our walk with our God.
Update- One month later I signed a publishing contract for The Preacher's Letter.