I wrote this before blogging-before I turned the wheel over-before I would attend Passion 2012 (I did not even know about the event at the time) Before I knew who Julie was.
I have no idea why I wrote this other than God knew real change was coming for me & he wanted me to see where I had been before he took me to the next step.
December 18, 2011
It
was nearing the end of summer in 1975 as I walked that night in my
neighborhood. I was nineteen, troubled, and the walk much like my life had no
particular destination. A girlfriend that I treated badly walked away and decided
to fill her own emptiness with someone else. It was not until she was out the
door that I realized that I actually loved her, though that was the last thing
in my life I desired.
It
was strange that I would be out on a night as this and not be high on some
substance, but for whatever reasons I was not.
I
don’t recall a thought as I walked the street I lived on and turned left on to the
next road. What I do recall is that I walked gazing at the sky for much of the
walk. I can point to the place I was at today all these years later when what I
can only describe as a whoosh that began in the top of my head and permeated
throughout my entire body. I hear a whisper with unmistakable clarity. “Come
and admit that you are wrong. Come and sing my glorious song.” One lone
tear dribbled down my left cheek.
A
few steps later I gazed up again to the dark sky and asked, “Is that You God?”
I did not need an answer because I already knew. Over thirty five years later I still don’t
know why this happened to me. My family referred to it as my Damascus
Road and indeed it was.
It
would be pleasant if this story was a happy one and that I turned from my life
immediately and walked a different path with happiness and harmony. I did turn
from my life of promiscuity, drugs, parties that saw the sun rise on a regular
basis. My life began with that supernatural moment and I thought that there
would be so much more to come but I had to learn to live in the natural, and by
faith which proved an obstacle I could not overcome.
I
made a rash of hurried decisions and the worse was a marriage born of a small
church group that had all the answers and from my loneliness. Remember the girl
that found solace in another? Well I blocked all that away. I married someone
while still in love with another. It was a not so great start for a lifetime of
happiness.
I
spent ten years unhappily married-never letting go of my Damascus Road
completely but at the same time when your home is misery for both of you how
can you walk a fruitful path? I could not.
At
age 32 I was single, alone, and seemingly never able to escape the fight over
our child, property, and money. I longed for fairness in an unfair world and
when it became apparent that I was not going to get it I lashed out at God and my
festering anger toward him grew exponentially for the next twenty years. Often
my prayers turned to cursing at a God powerful enough to whisper to me on a
dark road and change my life but who was miles away when I needed him most.
I
had several failed relationships after divorce. I sought love and intimacy and
found it, however fleeting it proved to be. I was flawed, vulnerable and I
found the same in partners. Some of the experiences were enthralling but the
downside grew too steep.
Depression
loomed but I could always flip the switch and walk out of any dark places but
then twice the darkness became so severe that I reconciled myself to the
awareness that I was not Superman after all. One night as I drove around
listening to Bruce Springsteen and drinking heavily I drove into the garage and
left the music playing and the car running. I was playing a game. It won’t
really be suicide if I just fall asleep drunk never to wake again. I don’t know
if I fell asleep or not but at some point my beautiful son’s face appeared and
what I could not do for myself I had to do for him. I cut the car off and
walked inside, wondering if I could outlast this particular debilitating bout
of darkness.
During
this time I went to a Saturday night church service with my son Micah. The
minister was talking about what is holding you back? What is keeping you from turning
your life completely over to God? Micah has a recall for details of his
childhood that are incisive. He turned to me and asked softly but with
conviction not expected from a young teen ager. “What’s keeping you Dad?” He
has no recollection of this event. It was God speaking through him but still I
had my plans, my dreams, and my desires. Let me achieve those first and then
maybe I will get around to God.
It
was a Saturday night, March 2007 and I was talking to my mom on the phone. During the course of our chat she mentioned that
Jim Glasgow was back at Myrtle Grove. I was a member at Myrtle Grove but I had
not been to a service in many years. I was not attending church anywhere. I attended a few but none felt right. I had
always liked Jim. He is a humble man with a heart for the broken. Something
clicked when Mom said that and I decided I am going to Myrtle Grove in the
morning. I knew that once while it thrived under the leadership of my dear
friend Horace Hilton it had fallen on harder times. It was no longer the church
that people lined up at to get in the door.
I
did not know that it would become a church home for me. That it would feel
right. I went sporadically for the first three years. My anger at God for
circumstances that he refused to change would surface and I would in my mind
defy him and refuse to attend for several weeks. Still I kept returning.
There
was no life changing voice this time but as I reflect back now I see a few
events that did not seem big at the time but have had a profound effect on my
life. I witnessed them not realizing that they would stick with me as major
teachings in my life.
The
first I can recall was sitting alone at the end of the pew-as usual refusing to
reach out to anyone. I had to keep a distance and protect myself from any religious
people. It was before church began and I
without thought picked up the Bible in front of me. I opened it to Galatians 5:7.
You
were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the
truth?
The
second event was when a man brought his potter’s wheel to church and began to
mold as a woman spoke. I don’t recall if the man ever spoke and I can’t recall
any word spoken during that service. Something however gnawed at me. What I
sensed was God saying, “You have tried to mold me into what you think I should
be. I am the potter you are the clay and it is not the other way around.”
I
don’t recall thinking to much that day about the service but it has been a few
years now and that is still my lesson. I think it always will be. I see it not
only applying to my life but often in our church of today. I resist religious
behavior. The tightly held religious person with their ordinances often seem
hard and cold to me. It is about our heart isn’t it? The best examples that I
lean on were Horace, and today
David
Foster and Steve Wallin. They are men who live the gospel in their hearts not
with pointed finger but rather a hand up.
Still,
as our world has become extremely liberal haven’t we assumed God has moved with
us? I know I have. But I return to the reminder of the potter and the clay. I
need to not only understand but accept that I am the clay.
Jim
shared a message and the part I remember was about small groups and the need to
belong to one. I had attended one and it never felt right to me. Nothing
against the people involved. It was just not the right fit for me. I felt
pressure when I began to break away from the group. I don’t react well with
pressure.
I
talked to Jim about this and asked, “Do you really think every member should be
in a small group?” He thought for a few seconds and replied, “I think you need
to be known.” Now that was big for me because I am introverted and I came each
Sunday but I sat in my corner alone and while cordial I refused to reach out to
anyone. God has slowly changed that in me.
Steve
Mattis also returned to Myrtle Grove where he assumed the role as senior
pastor. The recurring theme in all messages by Steve is we can’t make it by
being good. We can’t make it with our religious behavior and rituals. It is
only with grace that we have hope.
One
example that Steve used one Sunday with Jerry Cannon also resonated with me and
does to this day. It also tied into what Jim shared about being known or in my
case I believe God speaking softly for me to get out of my corner. Steve quoted
a scripture about how we are to exalt or encourage one another. He said
something about Jerry that was very true and then asked how he felt. Jerry
replied awesome. It got a little emotional for both of them because it was
heartfelt.
What
I took away from that was certainly not to false flatter someone but how hard
this life can be at times. You never know what one kind true word can mean to
someone unless you speak it. It was an easy way for me to slowly get out of my corner
that I am so darn comfortable in. I have certainly been on the other end of it
when I felt like I was at that last strand of rope and someone offered kindness
and hope. I remember during the darkest times of depression my mom saying,
“Billy, you have to have hope. Without hope you have nothing.”
I
am self centered-stuck in what I do not have. My failed dreams, emptiness, but
from that one little message there have been many times since then when I have
prayed, “Lord if I can offer someone some encouragement today who is struggling
led me to that opportunity.”
Horace
once told me that each Sunday on each pew there was someone with a broken
heart. Often it was me.
Steve shared a poignant message several months
ago about how we should literally die to ourselves. That sounds so harsh. I can
only tell you what it means to me. The more of my heart that I allow to die the
more room there is for Jesus to come and replace my self centered desires. And
if Jesus fills my heart more with his spirit and his love then I won’t need
ordinances to tell me what to do. I will do it because of who has taken up
residence in my heart.
I
spent so much time in darkness that I could not even imagine being happy in
Heaven. I often would ask God to take me now and I will opt out of any
afterlife. “You can have it God,” as if I had anything to bargain with. Steve spoke
of Heaven recently and how being in the presence of God we will be so full we
will overflow. He used the example of a cup is not overflowing until too much
water is added. It must go beyond full.
But
I am not to wait for that but to long for that while I am here. Again it goes
back to my heart. How much is me? How much will I let go of to have it replaced
with something better.
It
is a journey, and one in which I struggle mightily. Listening to Michael Mattis
in his message December 18 caused me to explore my nights. That is the time when
it can rain down on me the most with negativity. The times I feel so alone and
it is as if all that I face comes together as one mighty weight to crush me. The
dreams unrealized, the mom such a spiritual force and suffering now with
dementia, and the one person I want brought into the fullness of God more than
me but as the spirit calls holds on to that last entrapment.
Often
these nights are so bad that it influences darkly the next day. This brings
times when faith is so very difficult for me to find. What did the man say to
Jesus when asked if he believed? Yes Lord I believe. Help me my unbelief. Mark
9:24. I love the raw honesty that I find in that scripture.
A few weeks ago I was looking for a scripture to post on my Facebook status. Something inspiring but fresher than one I would typically turn too. I found Jeremiah 32:27 “Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for me?”
I believe that was a scripture to take root and prepare me for hearing about the night. Last night as I prayed and as the obstacles came to me one at a time I named each one and said, Lord you are bigger than my loneliness. You are bigger than mom’s dementia. I continued to name each one and I followed it with Lord you are bigger than ….
One
thing in my favor as I walk down this road is I returned to Myrtle Grove over
four years ago with an honest heart. I resist when people judge me because I am
my worse critic. I know the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will not give in to
church speak, tradition, clichés, religion, or rituals. I won’t say I believe
it if I don’t. That does not make me right, and I could well be wrong. But God
will have to show me and I am more than willing to be wrong.
There
is no Damascus Road this time and the process slow but the foundation more
sturdy and I have more hope in finding the path God calls to me. As I search
for the next step what I feel is in a world of outwardly trappings that God
wants to make me beautiful from the inside out.
A
few years ago Jim suggested a book for me to read. What’s So Amazing about Grace by Phillip Yancey. It seems to be
appropriate to end this letter of journey with a quote from that book.
"As a child, I put on my best behavior
on Sunday mornings, dressing up for God and for the Christians around me. It
never occurred to me that church was a place to be honest. Now, though, as I
seek to look at the world through the lens of grace, I realize that
imperfection is the prerequisite for grace. Light only gets in through the
cracks.”
May
we all leave our religious clothes at home and come each Sunday with an honest
and open heart. Luke 12:34 "For where your treasure is,
there your heart will be also.”
