Finding Hope in the Darkness

https://www.pandorasboxjt.com/single-post/2018/09/09/Sunday-Inspiration-Finding-Hope-in-the-Darkness

A Letter to my Son

It is hard to believe that my son, Micah, will turn 30 next month. Last week I had a long ago memory visit of my one goal as a parent that I often said when he was a child. It was not that he would be rich, educated, a ballplayer. I had one very simple goal that I don't think I ever shared with him until I wrote it in a card for him this week.

As an adult, will he when faced with a troublesome issue think I can talk to my Dad & he will listen? He will help me sort this out. My thinking was that if he did that than I had done okay as his Dad.

I knew even when he was little I would not be that parent with a desire to control my adult child's life. That kind of defeats the purpose. You raise a child & then you let them go, or at least that is my philosophy. You will always be their parent. Always be there for them but it is their life. Will they fail at times & make wrong choices? You bet they will but didn't we as well?

I wrote my son this week, not asking for a pat on the back but an honest answer. Did I meet my one goal? Do you think that my Dad can help with this problem? Do I listen thoroughly to you or do I start dispensing advice before you finish?

Lots of parents routinely do that with their adult children. Some are even a big part of failed marriages because their children are not wise enough to live out all of Genesis 2:24..

² For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

I always loved the part of the two becoming one...the intimacy. But after one particular failed relationship I realized the importance of the first part of this scripture.  There comes a time to leave your parents & forge your own way. A husband & a wife need to run their own race as a couple. Seek advice from your parents-yes. Allow them a voice in your marriage-no.

I wrote to my son that if I am failing in this regard both now & in the future, tell me. I will correct it. Life is to short & often the things allowed to remain unchallenged in a family become the very matters that construct walls that imprison families. It is difficult to break habits & often hard to see our own bad habits in how we interact with our family. Some find it easier to fashion the Norman Rockwell painting that they know did not ever exist. I never could buy into that. It is only with dealing with the truth in any relationship that we can break down the barriers & reach a better place. Pretending things are better than they are is like putting a band-aid on a deep wound.

There is another thing I wrote in that card. I want Micah to learn not only from the good things I have taught him but I want him to learn from the things I did wrong. There are many important life long lessons I have taken to heart from my Dad that were anything but positive. The things he did I knew were wrong & even as a child I swore I would not be that way with my own child when that day came. 

My Dad was a good man but he was like a lot of men in that era. They left the parenting to the Mother. But I still learned because they were still failures on his part. He could not apologize & admit to being wrong. Never once to me in my entire life. But I learned. Maybe in reverse but I learned & I am grateful. Grateful that I often said to my son, "I am sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me." 

Micah also never went to bed at night without hearing I love you. Even to this day. Every phone call, visit,  ends often in multiple I love you's exchanged. Again I learned this in reverse from my Father & Micah it is okay that you learn in reverse from me. I failed often. I realize that. I own it.

As I have written before that my idea for The River Hideaway came from watching one of my favorite movies. A Time to Kill.

There is a wonderful exchange between the young attorney, played by Matthew McConaughey & his mentor, Donald Sutherland.

Jake Tyler Brigance: I can't be you, Lucian.

Lucien Wilbanks: Don't be me, Jake. Be better than me.

I  have thought of that line often in regards to Micah. Don't be me. Be better than me.

I love you son.

My adult son. My best man on Julie & my wedding day. 

JOURNEY (Pre Blog Time)

 I wrote this before blogging-before I turned the wheel over-before I would attend Passion 2012 (I did not even know about the event at the time) Before I knew who Julie was.

I have no idea why I wrote this other than God knew real change was coming for me & he wanted me to see where I had been before he took me to the next step.

December 18, 2011

It was nearing the end of summer in 1975 as I walked that night in my neighborhood. I was nineteen, troubled, and the walk much like my life had no particular destination. A girlfriend that I treated badly walked away and decided to fill her own emptiness with someone else. It was not until she was out the door that I realized that I actually loved her, though that was the last thing in my life I desired.

It was strange that I would be out on a night as this and not be high on some substance, but for whatever reasons I was not.  

I don’t recall a thought as I walked the street I lived on and turned left on to the next road. What I do recall is that I walked gazing at the sky for much of the walk. I can point to the place I was at today all these years later when what I can only describe as a whoosh that began in the top of my head and permeated throughout my entire body. I hear a whisper with unmistakable clarity. “Come and admit that you are wrong. Come and sing my glorious song.” One lone tear dribbled down my left cheek.  

A few steps later I gazed up again to the dark sky and asked, “Is that You God?” I did not need an answer because I already knew.  Over thirty five years later I still don’t know why this happened to me. My family referred to it as my Damascus Road and indeed it was.

It would be pleasant if this story was a happy one and that I turned from my life immediately and walked a different path with happiness and harmony. I did turn from my life of promiscuity, drugs, parties that saw the sun rise on a regular basis. My life began with that supernatural moment and I thought that there would be so much more to come but I had to learn to live in the natural, and by faith which proved an obstacle I could not overcome.

I made a rash of hurried decisions and the worse was a marriage born of a small church group that had all the answers and from my loneliness. Remember the girl that found solace in another? Well I blocked all that away. I married someone while still in love with another. It was a not so great start for a lifetime of happiness.

I spent ten years unhappily married-never letting go of my Damascus Road completely but at the same time when your home is misery for both of you how can you walk a fruitful path? I could not.

At age 32 I was single, alone, and seemingly never able to escape the fight over our child, property, and money. I longed for fairness in an unfair world and when it became apparent that I was not going to get it I lashed out at God and my festering anger toward him grew exponentially for the next twenty years. Often my prayers turned to cursing at a God powerful enough to whisper to me on a dark road and change my life but who was miles away when I needed him most.

I had several failed relationships after divorce. I sought love and intimacy and found it, however fleeting it proved to be. I was flawed, vulnerable and I found the same in partners. Some of the experiences were enthralling but the downside grew too steep.

Depression loomed but I could always flip the switch and walk out of any dark places but then twice the darkness became so severe that I reconciled myself to the awareness that I was not Superman after all. One night as I drove around listening to Bruce Springsteen and drinking heavily I drove into the garage and left the music playing and the car running. I was playing a game. It won’t really be suicide if I just fall asleep drunk never to wake again. I don’t know if I fell asleep or not but at some point my beautiful son’s face appeared and what I could not do for myself I had to do for him. I cut the car off and walked inside, wondering if I could outlast this particular debilitating bout of darkness.

During this time I went to a Saturday night church service with my son Micah. The minister was talking about what is holding you back? What is keeping you from turning your life completely over to God? Micah has a recall for details of his childhood that are incisive. He turned to me and asked softly but with conviction not expected from a young teen ager. “What’s keeping you Dad?” He has no recollection of this event. It was God speaking through him but still I had my plans, my dreams, and my desires. Let me achieve those first and then maybe I will get around to God.

It was a Saturday night, March 2007 and I was talking to my mom on the phone.  During the course of our chat she mentioned that Jim Glasgow was back at Myrtle Grove. I was a member at Myrtle Grove but I had not been to a service in many years. I was not attending church anywhere.  I attended a few but none felt right. I had always liked Jim. He is a humble man with a heart for the broken. Something clicked when Mom said that and I decided I am going to Myrtle Grove in the morning. I knew that once while it thrived under the leadership of my dear friend Horace Hilton it had fallen on harder times. It was no longer the church that people lined up at to get in the door.

I did not know that it would become a church home for me. That it would feel right. I went sporadically for the first three years. My anger at God for circumstances that he refused to change would surface and I would in my mind defy him and refuse to attend for several weeks. Still I kept returning.

There was no life changing voice this time but as I reflect back now I see a few events that did not seem big at the time but have had a profound effect on my life. I witnessed them not realizing that they would stick with me as major teachings in my life.

The first I can recall was sitting alone at the end of the pew-as usual refusing to reach out to anyone. I had to keep a distance and protect myself from any religious people.  It was before church began and I without thought picked up the Bible in front of me. I opened it to Galatians 5:7. You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?

The second event was when a man brought his potter’s wheel to church and began to mold as a woman spoke. I don’t recall if the man ever spoke and I can’t recall any word spoken during that service. Something however gnawed at me. What I sensed was God saying, “You have tried to mold me into what you think I should be. I am the potter you are the clay and it is not the other way around.”

I don’t recall thinking to much that day about the service but it has been a few years now and that is still my lesson. I think it always will be. I see it not only applying to my life but often in our church of today. I resist religious behavior. The tightly held religious person with their ordinances often seem hard and cold to me. It is about our heart isn’t it? The best examples that I lean on were Horace, and today

David Foster and Steve Wallin. They are men who live the gospel in their hearts not with pointed finger but rather a hand up.

Still, as our world has become extremely liberal haven’t we assumed God has moved with us? I know I have. But I return to the reminder of the potter and the clay. I need to not only understand but accept that I am the clay.

Jim shared a message and the part I remember was about small groups and the need to belong to one. I had attended one and it never felt right to me. Nothing against the people involved. It was just not the right fit for me. I felt pressure when I began to break away from the group. I don’t react well with pressure.

I talked to Jim about this and asked, “Do you really think every member should be in a small group?” He thought for a few seconds and replied, “I think you need to be known.” Now that was big for me because I am introverted and I came each Sunday but I sat in my corner alone and while cordial I refused to reach out to anyone. God has slowly changed that in me.

Steve Mattis also returned to Myrtle Grove where he assumed the role as senior pastor. The recurring theme in all messages by Steve is we can’t make it by being good. We can’t make it with our religious behavior and rituals. It is only with grace that we have hope.

One example that Steve used one Sunday with Jerry Cannon also resonated with me and does to this day. It also tied into what Jim shared about being known or in my case I believe God speaking softly for me to get out of my corner. Steve quoted a scripture about how we are to exalt or encourage one another. He said something about Jerry that was very true and then asked how he felt. Jerry replied awesome. It got a little emotional for both of them because it was heartfelt.

What I took away from that was certainly not to false flatter someone but how hard this life can be at times. You never know what one kind true word can mean to someone unless you speak it. It was an easy way for me to slowly get out of my corner that I am so darn comfortable in. I have certainly been on the other end of it when I felt like I was at that last strand of rope and someone offered kindness and hope. I remember during the darkest times of depression my mom saying, “Billy, you have to have hope. Without hope you have nothing.”  

I am self centered-stuck in what I do not have. My failed dreams, emptiness, but from that one little message there have been many times since then when I have prayed, “Lord if I can offer someone some encouragement today who is struggling led me to that opportunity.”

Horace once told me that each Sunday on each pew there was someone with a broken heart. Often it was me.

Steve shared a poignant message several months ago about how we should literally die to ourselves. That sounds so harsh. I can only tell you what it means to me. The more of my heart that I allow to die the more room there is for Jesus to come and replace my self centered desires. And if Jesus fills my heart more with his spirit and his love then I won’t need ordinances to tell me what to do. I will do it because of who has taken up residence in my heart.

I spent so much time in darkness that I could not even imagine being happy in Heaven. I often would ask God to take me now and I will opt out of any afterlife. “You can have it God,” as if I had anything to bargain with. Steve spoke of Heaven recently and how being in the presence of God we will be so full we will overflow. He used the example of a cup is not overflowing until too much water is added. It must go beyond full.

But I am not to wait for that but to long for that while I am here. Again it goes back to my heart. How much is me? How much will I let go of to have it replaced with something better.

It is a journey, and one in which I struggle mightily. Listening to Michael Mattis in his message December 18 caused me to explore my nights. That is the time when it can rain down on me the most with negativity. The times I feel so alone and it is as if all that I face comes together as one mighty weight to crush me. The dreams unrealized, the mom such a spiritual force and suffering now with dementia, and the one person I want brought into the fullness of God more than me but as the spirit calls holds on to that last entrapment.

Often these nights are so bad that it influences darkly the next day. This brings times when faith is so very difficult for me to find. What did the man say to Jesus when asked if he believed? Yes Lord I believe. Help me my unbelief. Mark 9:24. I love the raw honesty that I find in that scripture.

A few weeks ago I was looking for a scripture to post on my Facebook status. Something inspiring but fresher than one I would typically turn too. I found Jeremiah 32:27 “Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for me?”

I believe that was a scripture to take root and prepare me for hearing about the night. Last night as I prayed and as the obstacles came to me one at a time I named each one and said, Lord you are bigger than my loneliness. You are bigger than mom’s dementia. I continued to name each one and I followed it with Lord you are bigger than ….

One thing in my favor as I walk down this road is I returned to Myrtle Grove over four years ago with an honest heart. I resist when people judge me because I am my worse critic. I know the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will not give in to church speak, tradition, clichés, religion, or rituals. I won’t say I believe it if I don’t. That does not make me right, and I could well be wrong. But God will have to show me and I am more than willing to be wrong.

There is no Damascus Road this time and the process slow but the foundation more sturdy and I have more hope in finding the path God calls to me. As I search for the next step what I feel is in a world of outwardly trappings that God wants to make me beautiful from the inside out.

A few years ago Jim suggested a book for me to read. What’s So Amazing about Grace by Phillip Yancey. It seems to be appropriate to end this letter of journey with a quote from that book.

"As a child, I put on my best behavior on Sunday mornings, dressing up for God and for the Christians around me. It never occurred to me that church was a place to be honest. Now, though, as I seek to look at the world through the lens of grace, I realize that imperfection is the prerequisite for grace. Light only gets in through the cracks.”

May we all leave our religious clothes at home and come each Sunday with an honest and open heart. Luke 12:34 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Fishhook, Teke & Was it a Miracle from God?

Teke, our Australian Cattle Dog, turned five months old yesterday. We have had her since she was two days shy of eight weeks. It has been an eventful three months to say the least. It had been decades since my wife Julie & I had dealt with having a puppy. I forgot the joys of it. ;)

We have been over protective & I have been a chronic worrier over her safety. It has been just shy of two years ago that we lost Sydney-Julie's rescue Chihuahua mix that I fell deeply in love with when he came to live with me. It was a two way street. I can't seem to escape the worry that came from Sydny dying hours after surgery to remove a pit that lodged in his intestine.

There was the day that I was walking Teke in our neighborhood on her leash when a large dog-maybe 100 pounds charged Teke with intent to maim. I had no time to think-only to react & spin her away from his charge into my arms. Fortunately the negligent owners of the aggressive dog got there in time to prevent a second charge. I had bad images for a long time over what could have been. The part that got to me the most & that I choked up about when I told Julie later that night was when I was still holding Teke long after the incident & discovered my shirt was wet with my then 14 pound puppy's urine.

The fish hook incident I will leave for you to decide. Miracle, luck that either can or can't be explained. I am all ears. For the record, I don't go around claiming everything is a miracle or the devil is hiding behind every bush.

It was several weeks ago & Julie had taken Teke to Carolina Beach State Park & allowed her off lead near the river. No big deal I had done the same thing the week before. Teke found a dead fish in the marsh & you know how a little puppy will eat about anything. She ate a big chunk of the fish before Julie could catch her. Julie came home & washed Teke & herself to remove the rancid smell. Julie called the Vet & they said to keep an eye on her & if she started to vomiting or got diarrhea to bring her in.

Fast forward about 14 hours later to the next morning at sunrise. We wake up to the sound of Teke throwing up. Julie reaches her first & ask me to take her outside to see if she has finished. She had. Julie cleaned the kennel.

As Teke & I reentered the house I hear Julie sobbing loudly in the bedroom. I rush to her & this was the following conversation.

Me: What is wrong?
Julie: She swallowed a fish hook.
Me: What? I am pretty sure there was a head shake of disbelief at one point. Is it all there?
Julie is holding a pillow from the kennel & presses it toward me. Yes. Look.

Was it my prayer over Teke the previous afternoon that she would not be sick or injured from the fish? Could it be traced back to the day we picked her up at Sleepy Hollow Cattle Dogs where my son, Micah drove to meet us? Before we left the farm & Micah was to return to Raleigh & Julie & I to Carolina Beach-I retrieved the bottle of anointing oil I had placed in the side door of my truck & prayed over her protection. I even reminded God that the last time I did this over a dog that it was Sydny & he died. Why one prayer granted & the other not I have no clue. That is why He is God & I am not. His ways far higher than mine- even if I don't always care for the result. And I don't always care for the result. 

Julie called the Vet with the update. They asked the same question many of you have. She swallowed the entire fish hook & it all came back up in tact? Yes & yes. They even called twice the next week to check on Teke. I think they had a hard time understanding.

Later as we had time to process & this is the part that makes me believe it was a miracle from God & not ridiculous luck. I ask Julie who has a good medical background. "Did you check her tongue, gums, cheeks, throat-basically everything you can see?"

She had as I knew she would & what she found was not one scratch. Not one drop of blood. That is so much like God because when He does something He does it completely. Perfectly. I probably would have still believed it was a miracle-if say she got a nasty cut on her tongue in the process but for there not to be one mark. Not a moment after throwing that entire fish  hook back up that had been inside of her for approximately 14 hours did she show the first sign of anything other than complete wholeness.

You take from this what you will. I know what I believe & in case you have to ask she is not allowed off lead near the river any longer.

The Choice of Baptism Now

My first act of rebellion was to leave the Baptist Church my family attended, at age twelve & run down the street to join the Methodist Church. They had the younger, cooler minister, Al Morris. I was sprinkled in the church & what I recall most all these years later is my body was shaking uncontrollably during the baptism. It was not fear. My thoughts now are God knew that very soon I would depart down about every bad road a young boy/man could venture. It was as if He were shaking me with His presence & at the same time telling me that my hand is upon you & you will return to me.


At age nineteen as I walked down a lonely dark road one night-A life wrought with heartache. A life where the parties began early & often only ended early the next morning as I would crawl into bed as the sunrise came.  No drug untouched. No opportunity for searching for fun in all the wrong places. I am not going to tell you I did not have a good time. There is pleasure in sin for a season but I was always a searcher & at times the life grew weary & I knew there had to be more.

That night, God showed up. He spoke & it all changed. It was such a life transformation that it would have been better for society & me if I could have been sent away to some secluded quiet place for two years while maybe I could learn to live with the truth of the Gospel.

As it is I made many bad choices. One in particular that years later would result in divorce when my son was two years old. The battles in court. The pain of not having your child with you each night. The long drive home after dropping him off at his Mom's. As time passed I became angry with this God who had such power that He showed up one night on a dark road but would not grant fairness in my life.

I went back to the party life. Never to the degree that I lived in my youth. But soon life became about clubbing, searching for that certain woman. This life grew old as well & I began to stay home alone with my anger at God.

Later in my life I was in my mid fifties & I began to attend church but I still held on to what I wanted more than what God wanted. Being a Christian can be a pretty generic term. I always sensed that for me- to really be a Christian was when I cared more about what God wanted for my life than what I wanted. Through it all, even the Born Again Damascus Road experience I never really did that.

It was January of 2012. I was driving down the road when I said, "God, I have made a mess of everything I have touched. You take the wheel. I will place what you want in my life above my own desires, even if it is not what I want. Where You say go. I will go. " That was my moment that led to yesterday. To be baptized with more  understanding. More understanding that I can't live a mixture of law & grace as was often preached in my earlier days. It is His grace. Period.

It has been on my heart to be baptized since last year about this time. I wanted to be baptized in my sanctuary-the ocean. Lifepoint has an annual baptism each summer in August. I was recovering from ankle surgery & could not participate last summer.

One day this spring, I met with Jack Teachey at Lifepoint about serving. I mentioned about my desire to be baptized. He responded with, "If this is on your heart you don't need to wait till August. I will meet you wherever you want me too." He completely got me about wanting it to take place on the beach.

Wow! I did not even know that was an option. So yesterday, my wife, Julie, Kim Williamson, my small group leader, Randy Dallos, who I began serving with at the First Time Guests booth, & Jack met at my adopted family's home on Carolina Beach.


Some highlights.

I was able to be baptized right where Julie & I were married a little over three years ago.


It was raining pretty hard mid afternoon & I heard thunder in the distance. But when our time to meet at the beach came it was beautiful. The sun came out. Beautiful cloud formations & God decided to favor His child with a rainbow. As someone commented on Facebook last night that they didn't know that was my rainbow they saw. Yes, it was.

One last thing that I did not think about until I was home. I noticed no one on the beach but us. It was our private time. Anyone that spends time on the beach knows late in the day there are walkers, joggers, people taking their dogs for a stroll. I saw none of that.

This was a step that I felt God, for whatever reasons, wanted me to take before He takes us to the next step.

I can hardly wait. 

Lesson About Images

Even after that moment when as I drove down the road & said, "God, I  have messed up everything I have touched. You take the wheel. I will go where you say go even if it is not what I desire." I continued to not give much thought to the Movies I watched. Now, I am not talking about Pornography but I would watch a movie that I hoped would have a good story & I overlooked certain scenes as part of the movie. Please before I go any further don't mistake this for any judgments or me parading as a choir boy. Those that know me know that is far from true.

Much of my movie collection has left the premises since Julie became my wife just over three years ago. My son, Micah & I teased her about how we could have no more fun movies. Yes,  I would rather watch movies & not hear cursing & I never wanted to watch stuff with abuse in it. And I hate gore. I know it is fake but can't we just shoot the bad guy & not show me his insides?

Julie would warn me that you are taking that stuff in whether you believe it or not. I dismissed her.I still thought well if it is a DVD I can just skip through the bad part but sometimes you are not quick enough.

I grew up during the times of Westerns be it the many movies made or the television shows. I absolutely love Westerns & I get excited now when the rare new one comes out. My favorite movie, not just favorite Western is Tombstone.  Val Kilmer in his greatest role ever. Kurt Russell playing Wyatt Earp. I have probably viewed it twenty times over the years.

So I saw the previews to The Hateful Eight and Kurt Russell stars in it & while I knew it was rated R I didn't do my research. I ignored what I did read because it was a Western! Did I mention I love Westerns?  One day with no thought I stopped at the Redbox around the corner & rented it.

Over one hour into it & enduring the multiple cursing.GD said so many times & yet that was tame for what was to come. There is a scene so horrific, brutal, disgusting, obscene, that it has taken some serious prayer to remove those images from this house-from our minds. I don't know if I froze with the remote or that I thought surely they would not show what I feared was coming.

The sad thing is I can't even say it was a good Western minus the horrible part. It was lame at best. Quentin Tarantino's attempts at humor fell woefully short.

I could have done more research. I could have read what this Christian wrote. http://christiananswers.net/spotlight/movies/2015/hatefuleight2015.html

One thing I did come away with is Quentin Tarantino is in dire need of prayer as are the people that participated in this movie. Something is horribly lacking in Quentin's life & I think I know what it is.

It must be difficult to be an actor in Hollywood & be a believer. Can you do non-Christian movies? Sure, & since I watch non-Christian movies I would be a hypocrite to say other wise. But I would never choose to be part of a movie like this.

Many people have told me that The River Hideaway would make a good moive. Sure that would be exciting but suppose they turned it into graphic scenes, brutality- that is not part of the book? I don't want that & I don't care about the money involved. I do not want to gain the entire or part of the world & lose my soul in the process.

Don't make the mistake I did. Don't rent The Hateful Eight.  Don't bring that garbage in your home. A  home that I am suppose to be the leader in. I fell woefully short.

Trust me you are not missing anything.  I guess some of you will say it is only a film. I understand. I would have said that too but not any more.

It won't happen again. Julie was right. I should have listened.

Marriage Should Be Work?

I never cared for the relationship advice about how you had to work at it. Don't get me wrong. I understand the premise, but it always made it sound more like a job to me. Relationships while none are perfect should be fun & enjoyable..If not, I am not sure what the point is.

As Julie was backing out the drive this morning & both of us giggling about my silly antics. I thought about all the laughter we share with each other. How we are grateful for new opportunities that will allow us to spend more time together.

It is no secret that I have been around the block a few times but once I let go of what I thought I needed, God provided me with more than I could ever dream of with Julie. And Julie was & is His child. A child He loves dearly.

I think it is safe to say we have all charged down paths we knew not to be good for us with the thinking that we will invite God in on the back end of our deal. This above tweet from Christine Caine I found to be very succinct & powerful. 

God is not obligated to sustain what He did not orchestrate.

I lived like this most of my life. Charging ahead from one adventure to another & always leaving God on the outside of what I desired. I fully intended to bring Him in on the back end after I got everything I wanted.

Big shocker here. It was an epic fail. 

But I reached a point when everything I had tried failed. It is like all the years I spent coaching kids in the great sport of basketball. One of our favorite things that my assistant coach, Richard Mears & I said to kids so frequently that I am sure they rolled their eyes at us. "Good habits breed good habits & bad habits breed bad habits." For example, you have a kid who has repeated a bad habit so often that it feels natural to him. You try to convince him to change because he lacks proper form. His complaint would be it does not feel right. My response was, "But your way is not working. What do you have to lose?"

That was me. I reached a point where I had to come to grips that my way was not working. I trusted my thinking of what was right for me more than I trusted God. 

"God, I do not wish to be alone forever but if You are not in it I would rather remain alone for the rest of my life because it will fail like all the rest." That was the place I finally reached.

I don't know that anyone that knew Julie & I before we begin to date that would have said, "Now they would make a great match." But yet looking back I have no doubts that God was preparing both of us for our eventual meeting. 

I have been very blessed on occasion to have witnessed the Supernatural works of the Holy Spirit. Times when I knew without question it was as the wonderful Christian Author, Mark Batterson wrote, "Sometimes God shows up. Sometimes God shows off."

Two months before I met Julie I was in the shower. Don't you love how God does not stand on pretense? He wants to come in it & does not matter what you might be doing. 

As clear as someone in the room speaking to me I heard. "Get your house in order." What? What does that mean? I thought about it for several days and then I kind of forgot about it.

Fast forward a few months & Julie & I are on our third date & it is the first time she was in my house. She was seated at the kitchen table and I went in the back for something & I felt that tug & reminder of what I heard in the shower that day. 

I sat down next to her & shared the story. Her eyes glazed over & she made me repeat it again. "Say that again. Just like you said it the first time."

I did. She shook her head. "I heard that same thing recently. In fact, I heard it multiple times. I asked God what it meant and He said, The man I have for you is coming and he is coming quickly." She had been alone for ten years waiting on her Boaz. 

I don't remember anymore of our conversation that day. What we both took away was that God made it clear that if our two paths merged to one-He would be on board. He would bless us. We still had to sort through things because we both had our share of scars. We are not robots. We did not rush right out & get married because God showed us something.  

There was an age difference that I was not comfortable with but you know it was more than that. I knew Julie to be the far better Christian than me. That is still true today. I was not sure I deserved her. I was not certain I was a good enough man for her. There is not a week that goes by that I don't say, "God, I do not deserve my wife but I am not returning the gift that You gave me." 

That is what Julie is to me. A gift from our Father.

Last night as I sat on the porch waiting for Julie to come home I felt a sadness & I drifted to questioning myself, which I am apt to do. I have always been my own worse critic. I found encouragement as I sorted through my thoughts when I came to a simple fact. 

God trusted me with his precious child that He loves dearly. He thought I was the right man for Julie. Me. He thought I was good enough for her. He did not think it. He is God and He knows it.

It encouraged me because if He thought I was good enough for Julie-why should I question that? Question Him?

I still wrestle at times like many of us that say in our mind we know God loves us but it does not always make the journey to our heart. Why is it I can see Julie as someone that God loves dearly & not so much myself? Just because I may view Julie as more deserving of God's love does not mean that is how it is. 

I was given a gift by my Father. Wow! I am closing in on a pretty big number. I will be sixty years old in another year. We have been married now for over two years & we have been together almost three years. Our first date. The seven hour coffee as it is referred to now is just around the corner. Next Monday, October 26.Hopefully, when people see us together they say, "Wow. If that is not God I don't know what it could be."

Gifts are suppose to be fun, right? So are relationships.

My gift, Julie. I love you Baby.
Happy 3 years (almost) 

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The Simple Things

Many years ago, I shared with someone that if God came down from the Heavens & preached a fifteen minute sermon that I felt reasonably sure He would encourage us to simplify our lives. The person I shared this with took it personally, though I did not mean it that way, & I surely included myself among those needing to remove the clutter from our lives. She wanted to know how she could do that with all that was on her plate. She had a good point. Still, I am pretty certain most of us could purge some of the weight from our lives. We could choose to live a more simple lifestyle. We could enjoy hobbies without being consumed by them. We could venture outside, walk a trail, and appreciate all the things God has granted us for free. I  have to confess that is a big deal for Julie and I right now as my leg is in a cast and walking from one end of our modest home to the other, aided by crutches is about the extent of my journey. A walk in the woods right now would probably reduce me to tears of gratefulness.

We all reminisce about special times and moments in our life. I would wager that these treasured memories are for the most part about simple times in our lives.

Recently, I sat on the porch during a driving rainstorm, reading a fictional novel. One of my simple areas of enjoyment. We have a new family that has moved in across the street and I got the biggest kick out of their kids. They were riding their bicycles in the cul-de-sac. It was raining so hard that it was probably four to six inches deep at one time. They were having a blast. Their parents stood on the top deck watching and allowing their kids this freedom.  The rain passed & the kids began shouting, "It's a double rainbow."

The kids took me back to some of the good places of my childhood. Playing stick-ball in the street with Rick Phipps for hours at a time. Retrieving soft drink bottles for that whopping two cent deposit. Taking them to the store and on a good day maybe receiving over two dollars from the store owner. Spending some of that money on baseball card packs and hoping that Willie Mays was in one of my treasured packs. The basketball court at the Phipps home, courtesy of his wonderful dad, Richard. Many grown ups today will tell you that they never played the wonderful game of basketball in another place that they enjoyed as much as those games we participated in as kids. Mr. Phipps has kept that court up, long after his sons, Rick & Al were adults living in other cities. Why would he choose to keep that court in working order when there are no games to be played? Because it has proven a long time treasured memory for him as well.

We had two channels on television during this time. No video games. No cell phones. Fast food was a rare treat. I still recall Mom allowing me to have three hamburgers at Hardee's occasionally. They were fifteen cents each. How tragic a life we kids lived, right? It was anything but that. We did not feel deprived. We had a baseball field near the Phipps and Strickland's homes that was built for semi pro baseball games on Sunday. Yet, another treat in a simpler time. You know who enjoyed that field the most? The adults only used it on Sunday afternoon for a few hours. The rest of the week it was ours. We played whatever sport was in season all day long and we had no kids that I can recall in our neighborhood struggling with weight issues. Regardless of our high calorie and sugar intake we burned it all off. The only thing that got in our way was the occasional yard work mandated by our parents. Okay, that is not a treasured memory.

I don't mean to sound like an old guy living in the past. Like most of you I have way too much technology in my life these day. Worries that can consume me when I allow them too.

And just as when we were kids aren't our treasured adult times built around simple things? Two and a half years ago, Julie and I chose for a honeymoon site a small one bedroom cabin with a beautiful mountain view, on the outskirts of Stone Mountain State Park. It was inexpensive and very simple. There were no fancy restaurants nearby and I doubt we would have chosen to go if there were. There was a charcoal grill and a hot tub right outside the front door. We spent the days exploring the Park. The only requirement was to keep putting one foot in front of the other as we walked to the top. Walking back down we took the leisurely longer trail that included waterfalls. My favorite aspect of the mountains.

On our last night I planned a fancy dinner. My surprise to her. I prepared our food to take with us, along with a bottle of wine. There was a waterfall in the Park that was just off the road, requiring little but a simple walk to reach. We sat by the waterfall and enjoyed dinner, and each other. I don't mean this disparagingly to anyone. We all have different things we enjoy, but for this simple boy you can keep your five star restaurants and their presentations. Who in the world can eat presentations? That evening by the waterfall was our kind of dinner and we won't forget it. It will always be a treasure.

So if we, and please note I say, we, including myself in this life that we allow to become so confusing with our wants & expectations. If our treasured memories are around simple things why do we chase things in life that are anything but? Why are we not building more memories of cherished less complex times? It is not too late.

Watching those kids yesterday also reminded me of when my son, Micah was little. Micah always loved movies & often our simple enjoyment was movie night. Pizza, popcorn, and a movie or two in the comforts of whatever home we were living in at the time. Even going to the small video store to pick up the movies is a treasured memory. There was a wonderful man, Ben, who worked there & he had a voice so low, so powerful, that it brings James Earl Jones to mind. If I ran into him outside of the store in a crowded area it seemed he only had to whisper across people, "Hey, big guy. How are you doing?" I would smile and say, "Ben."

One day as I was picking out our movie, Micah was playing the pin ball machine at the front of the store. I had given him money on the way in as he asked if he could play it. Sometimes, it took awhile to find a movie as we were frequent customers & we watched movies as fast or faster as the new ones that were suitable for viewing arrived. I finally found a movie, paid Ben, & we left the store. On the drive home I said, "Micah, you played a long time on the money I gave you for the pin ball machine."

His response was, "I ran out of money & Ben walked around from behind the counter & put more money in the machine." Ben never said a word as he performed this task. A simple gesture for a small child that spoke to his gentle nature. It was my small child & Ben probably thought nothing of it but I have never forgotten that. It is a cherished simple memory that is stored away in my heart.

I will wager that as Micah ages he will hold dear to movie nights & other simple times that we shared together just as Rick & I still talk about stick-ball games that lasted for hours decades ago. I sure hope he does.

Luke 12:34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.


Let's go build some simple treasures. Maybe I can find a way to do it even while hobbled by these dang crutches & a surgically repaired ankle. Have a great day.