16 Months

On April 6 I was united in marriage before God with Julie on Carolina Beach. It was an incredible day. My son Micah served as best man and gave a best man toast that had nearly all the small gathering in tears. As for me it was beyond tears. I sobbed on my son's shoulder as I clung to him, refusing to let go. It seemed for one small moment in time our roles had reversed. I was not holding a small boy and comforting him but it was a man holding his father and drying his tears on his shirt.

Often I had railed at God for not granting me what I wanted and for being so slow. Today looking back over sixteen months I can't believe how much life has changed. My sister Kay said recently that she had prayed for the right woman to be in my life and that she felt she was not getting God's attention. My reply was, "No, Kay I finally gave God my attention." I let go of the wheel of my life. 

Sixteen months and yet it seems that it must have been longer because of the events that changed me and continually change me. December 30, 2011 at a small informal worship gathering I hear as clear as day. "I will make you young again."

Three days later I am at Passion 2012. There were 45,000 people present and most of them college students. It dawned on me one night as I looked at the joyful faces that I was not where they were and I did not know what was holding me back.   Despondent I walked alone to the hotel room and went to bed exhausted in every core of my being. The following morning as worship music played I poured my heart out to God.. I told him I did not even know what I was clinging too any longer but I was so tired, so weary of doing it my way, and that whatever was holding me back to break it from me. The tears began to flow and somewhere deep inside me the pain of this life began breaking away and I was truly in my Father's embrace.

It was later that spring that while taking a shower I hear that unmistakable voice. "Get your house in order." What? I don't understand. What does that mean? After new living room furniture, window treatments repaired, and a new truck I still did not know what those words meant. I forgot them for a time.

July 1, this pretty, warm, genuine woman introduces herself to me after church. I did not know she had noticed me before and the first place was while I was waiting to get gas at Costco. Somewhere during that time she felt God whispering to her to return to church at Myrtle Grove. She obeyed.

Each time we bumped into each other we would chat as if no one else was in the room. I mentioned coffee and she readily agreed but I held back. She was younger than me. I was not believing fully what God whispered to me. Eventually we met for coffee that led to a seven hour first date. We both had been alone a long time and yet we both wanted only the partner God approved of. I am not saying by any means that I believe God is playing match maker for everyone. I do believe He knows if the mate we choose is a good fit for us.

We were on our third date when I felt the nudge to share with her what I heard in the shower. We sat at my kitchen table and I told her. Her eyes glossed over strangely and it seem she left the room. She looked back at me and said, "Say it again. Exactly the way you just told me." I repeated what I heard that morning.

She looked befuddled. I ask her gently if that meant something to her. She nodded and said, "I heard the same thing a few weeks ago. I heard it multiple times. I asked God what it meant." He replied, "The man I have for you is coming and he is coming quickly."

What I want to be clear is that we took from that gave us great comfort in knowing that God would smile on our path if the two paths became one. Still, it was up to us to be honest with each other. We could have clung to past hurts and future fears and allowed this to crumble. God is not forcing anything on us. We have free will. Julie and I chose to hold nothing back even if it meant it would break the love that was already growing between us.We found that not only did our love grow but we helped each other heal old wounds. Some of the most precious moments in that time was the times we shared and cried with each other.

Passion 2012 changed me forever. Each time I hear someone mention Passion it warms me. Maybe it would have happened somewhere else in time but I do know this. God wanted me at Passion. I was invited after church the day before Passion began. I had to decide in a few short  hours if I was going to meet the group at church the following morning and travel to Atlanta. I went because I believed that God wanted me to go. He wanted me to get out of my comfort zone and do something radical. The theme of Passion 2012 was about being interrupted. I allowed  my life to be interrupted.

I believe it was on the trip home when I said, "If I would have known about this two weeks in advance I would have never attended. I would have talked myself out of it."

My friend Jim softly responded, "Billy, God really does know what he is doing."

Yes he does Jim. Indeed he does!

That One Person

The last day of Passion 2012 the host Pastor, Lou Giglio talked about what one person could do. He spoke of how easy it is to sit back and say, "God will do it with or without me." I lack the answer to that but I do know that one person changed the course of my life by taking a chance on me.

It was late afternoon in early March and I was standing outside the fence of the Little League Baseball field that I played on as a youth and served as an assistant to my old coach one summer when I was fifteen.

The day had been so warm early that I was still clothed in shorts and a tee shirt. As the sun got lower I got cold and started to leave many times but I clung to that fence watching "Coach" conduct tryouts for a new group of kids.

Why was I even watching? I went with no goal in mind. This was during the days when kids had to tryout for a team. The coaches drafted players and the practice time and place for each team was printed in the newspaper. Ironically I had noticed this and for some odd reason I drove to the field that day.

I was nineteen and I had chosen about every wrong path a boy could. There was nothing positive in my life. I was not in school and I was not working. I had a nice criminal record already for marijuana distribution. "Coach" knew this because he came to visit me when I was waiting for trial. That is how it was with him. You played ball for him but regardless of age you remained one of his kids.

He noticed me and had walked over a couple of times and spoken. The practice was nearing the end and he walked over one last time. This voice inside of me mustered up enough courage to humbly ask, "Do you need any help coach?"

The most amazing thing happened. This man, probably 60 years old at the time, with his buzz cut and the boy standing in front of him with a criminal record and hair past his shoulders.  I will never forget his immediate response.

"Coach" had a gruff no nonsense manner of speaking. "You want to help me? Be at the school tomorrow at four o'clock." He turned and abruptly walked away.

I am certain he heard about his decision to allow me to help with the kids from the Optimist dignitaries who ruled with an iron fist and often a narrowness of mind. I never heard any of it. I was one of his kids and I believe that was all that mattered to him.

Why such a crossroad? Did I immediately turn from the party lifestyle I was living? No, but slowly changes happened. I loved sports and I loved being around those kids. I still had ideas of getting back to my illegal business activities. My dad who I rarely paid attention too said to me, "It sure would be a shame if you got into trouble again after the chance he has taken on you."

Ouch, I tried to dismiss that with my usual rationalization. I could not do it. He had gone out on a limb for me. He had given me a positive outlet when I had nothing positive.


I don't know where I would be if not for "Coach." Maybe arrested again like my partners who all suffered serious consequences within that year. Prison, or maybe death from the lifestyle. I was saved later by Jesus Christ, but only after I was rescued by an old ball coach.

I helped "Coach" for four more years and then I became head coach of a basketball team. The boys I coached were the same ages, ten to twelve. Every practice and game I took what I learned from "Coach."

One young man I coached was the grandson of "Coach's" brother, Doc. There is one moment in those 20 years of coaching that stand out as a true full circle moment. It is 1994 and my team is standing in the hallway celebrating winning the Tournament Championship.  Kevin, my former point guard, was now in college, and was helping me just as I had my old "Coach." Doc's grandson was on that team and he brought his brother, my "Coach" to the game. It was trophy presentation time and Kevin came up to receive his trophy. I said, "Just as I will always be "Coach's" boy. Kevin will always be my boy."  One thing I am certain of is that moment does not happen without "Coach."

I enjoyed great relationships with many kids. I am blessed to be in contact with some of them today fifteen years after coaching my last game. Ironically, when I communicate with them and though they are men with their families. I hope that they think it OK that I still view them as my kids. And if some of them think half as much of me as I do my old "Coach," and mentor Ed Wilson, then I am a blessed man beyond anything I could have hoped to derive from standing in the cold watching a man teach the art of baseball and so very much more. I love you Coach always, and I can never repay you for what you did for me.

Potter's Wheel

This is one of my first blogs & what occurred that day was instrumental in leading me to that point where I finally let go of the wheel of this life. Not that I don't still try to do the driving at times. But I realize that my life seeking the path God wants me to have is better than what I may think I need. 

Isiah 29:16 You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!

Would it seem peculiar if I point to a certain Sunday morning service as being instrumental in my seeking the path the Father had already laid out? Probably not, but what if I told you I can't recall one word spoken or one worship song sung that day? What if all I can recall is linked to the image below?

The event occurred soon after I returned to church, after a lengthy absence. I had spent many years being angry with God for my lot in this difficult life. I didn't care what path he desired for me. At times I tried to modernize God. Bring him up to our times. But always placing what I desired first.

A lady spoke while a man with a physical deformity in his hand silently molded an object with the potter's wheel. I don't recall any particular thoughts or any great epiphany as I watched. That would come later.

As I was leaving the service I heard a Father gently reaching out to his prodigal son to return home. "You have tried to mold me into what you wanted me to be. It does not work that way. I am the potter. You are the clay and it is not the other way around."

Imagine the possibilities if we viewed ourselves as the clay to be molded each day by a loving Father. Picture a simple flower pot being created.  It will not be a beautiful work of art each day because we are flawed and imperfect.There will be blemishes but the good news is that they can be repaired and made flawless.

I had no idea as I reflect back on that time that God would bless me so richly. I only knew that I had failed miserably in trying to do it my way. What did I have to lose? 

Grace

Our ministers have been teaching a series on the book of Galatians. What a fascinating little book. Do we live under the law, grace, or a bit of both? I am certainly no Biblical expert but it appears clear that Paul leads us to grace.

Years ago I took a class in college on Introduction to the New Testament. It was enlightening to study how the New Testament was put together. You could take a cynical view and say this was put together by men and so it is flawed. Another view point might be God breathed spirit into these words knowing we would need them not just then but centuries later and they would be as relevant as the day they were written.

The retired minister who taught the class had a couple of sayings he said frequently. He spoke of how the church used fear and control to keep the congregation in line. He would follow that by saying, "Is that New Testament living?" He also said the reason the church used fear and guilt was that it works. But does it really?


I understood the minister's logic about the church using fear and control. Grace unrestrained would allow people the freedom to live any lifestyle.

As I have sought more the path God would have me on it seems simple enough that if I sincerely ask him to take up more residence in my heart I won't need a list of what to do or not do. Galatians 5:16 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  It says the Spirit, not what society thinks.

I have witnessed people working as ministers pat people on the back and say, "That was for back then." My question is if this is so when did the scriptures become irrelevant? Was it the tenth century, the twentieth, this century? What time was it where God said the scriptures no longer apply?

I find it hard to believe anyone who is seeking intimacy with the Father can read scriptures with an open heart and discount it as something written long ago. It lives and it literally breathes.

Even during the days where I shunned God and wanted nothing to do with him I always took comfort in a simple scripture. Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. We don't get to change him or mold him to what we need him to be. We don't get to fit him into what society accepts. It does not work that way and believe me I have tried. He waited for me to turn back and he welcomed me with open arms. Not with judgment or condemnation but love and yes grace. Abounding and unlimited grace....

Hallelujah...

What Is Holding You Back Dad?

My son, Micah has an amazing recall of the events of his childhood. Truthfully, considering the mistakes I made I sometimes wish this were not true. Often he says, "Dad remember when..." and I would think no way this happened. He keeps providing details and eventually I would recall the event. Many times I would joke with him that if he continually held on to every thought, every event, that his head would run out of room and a mass explosion might occur.

It was early 2002 and I was mired in a deep black hole. Often I have referred to depression as the devil's own disease. Those of you who have suffered with it know the hell I speak of. This particular bout was brought on by emotional exhaustion. During a six month stretch the previous year I had watched a Father I battled with all of my life slowly die. I had surgery on each knee within four months. Between the surgeries according to the doctor I either had a strange bacterial infection in my sinuses or a chemical reaction. I lost fourteen pounds in two weeks. I was sicker than I have ever been in my life. I had a whirlwind relationship that began at the time of my father's death and came to a crashing finality on my son's birthday. The sight of my son with dark welts under his eyes on his fourteenth birthday because of my breakup with a woman he loved brought guilt to me that I could not forgive myself for.

I was hurting, lost, lonely, and could not find a moment of peace. Remember Lt. Dan in Forrest Gump in the storm cursing at God? I did that daily but I was far angrier than Lt. Dan. I begged God to take me from this world. Each morning I was angry to find I was still alive.

It was Saturday night and Micah and I attended a church service. The theme of the minister's message was  "What is it that you hold on to that is keeping you from fullness with the Father?" At one point my son turned and looked at me and with clarity and a weariness in his voice and said, "What's holding you back, Dad?" The boy that remembers everything has no memory of this event. He takes comfort in the fact that he knows I have had supernatural moments with God. I tell him that he has experienced this as well. I thought it a strange thing for him to say that night and as time went by I realized God was speaking through Micah but I was to angry and to set on what I thought I needed in my life to listen.


Fast forward a few years later at Passion 2012 where I asked God to break off whatever else I was holding on to that kept me from intimacy with him. Moments later I was weeping, exhausted, and broken. A few days after that I recall driving down the road and saying "Father, I have made a mess out of doing it my way. I am so tired. You take the wheel. I will go where you say." He knew I meant it. Life has not been the same. The things I thought I needed I don't. What he has granted me has exceeded my dreams.

Why is it we insist on doing it our way? The results at least in my case were not good. Still, we cling to old habits, our achievements, and what we think we need to be happy.Is it a certain relationship we think we need? Is it financial security? Pride? Religious behavior, a certain lifestyle? Do we really trust God to give us what we  need? That was a big stumbling block for me. I did not trust.

He is a jealous God and he will not accept the idols we place in front of him. But he is the consummate gentleman and it will always be our choice.



What's keeping you? 

What Kind of Father?

There are two books I have read recently by Jack Frost that I would highly recommend. Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship & The Father's Embrace. How do you view God? Sadly for most of my life I saw him as the angry old man in the sky. I returned his imagined anger at me by being angry with him. Many days I cursed him for the darkness in my life. I can't tell you how that has changed for me other than to credit our loving Father. I just know I have changed my views of him and my views of myself as well.

Occasionally an event happens that gently and humbly reminds me that I am not the man I once was. Monday afternoon I went for a bike ride. I am not a huge cyclist and in fact I stay off busy roads as much as possible. Fortunately where I live leads to an almost perfect place to bike to meet my needs. I biked to the boat ramp at Carolina Beach on the waterway and then to the State Park, which is my favorite place to bike. Bike lanes, woods, occasional deer sightings, and the river down by the boat ramp that offers one beautiful sunset after another.

It was near the ramp that I made a mistake. I saw how clean the trail in the woods was and I followed it to the next road. It was exhilarating right up until I stopped in my driveway and noticed my bag had come unzipped and I had no keys or phone. Julie, (my girl friend) had left her little dog Sydny with me and he was barking furiously for supper. What do I do? Here is what I did not do. I did not cuss and bemoan my bad luck as I once would have. I was anxious. There is no doubt of that fact.

I borrowed a phone from a neighbor and left a distress call at Julie's work. I jumped back on my bike to retrace my path. There was very little light left. I prayed and asked God for guidance. Now my intention was to retrace every part of the path but as I entered the main road I felt in my spirit, "They are in the Park." Doing it in my own power I wanted to go to the first boat ramp but I chose to listen to my instincts, God, both?

It took about ten minutes to enter the State Park. I kept my eyes peeled the entire time and asked a few people I encountered if they had seen keys and a phone. I thought about the path I ventured off the road for and thought that might be the best place to search in the remaining light of the day. I walked my bike down the path growing more concerned with each step and then I stopped. I got down on my knees by my bike and poured out my concerns to my loving Father. I continued to walk down the path and right in the middle of the path I saw my keys. I was overjoyed. The phone was nowhere in sight but I thanked God immensely and said if I have to pay for a phone so be it. Thank you.

I was not giving up and I recall something Julie says often. "You have not because you ask not." I asked for a good Samaritan. It was 5:40 and the Park closes at 6. I saw two cars in the parking lot by the river. I biked to one and asked if they had a phone, which they did not. I was going to try the trail one more time. As I reached the area there was a couple loading their dogs into their car. I asked if they had seen a phone and they answered no. I asked if they would call my number every couple of minutes as I walked the trail and they said yes. It was almost dark and I was halfway down the trail and still talking with my Father. All of a sudden I heard Christy Nockels singing 'Waiting Here for You.' (my ring tone) I raced to the sound before the song stopped. I found my phone face down off to the side of the trail. I answered the phone and exclaimed in a voice that might have punctured the poor lady's ear drum.."Thank you Jesus." I calmed down and thanked her repeatedly for their help. She was kind and told me that they were glad to help.

As I biked home I was thanking God out loud and just so grateful that he took the time to help with a problem that was not earth shattering. I prayed that he bless the couple who took time to help.  Mark 9:41 I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward.

It was not the end of the world if someone had to come let me in my house and I had to buy new keys and a phone. I once viewed God as someone who grudgingly did something to aid me on occasion. There is no problem too big or too small for a loving Father.  It won't always work the way it did for me in this situation, but how I react is of the greater importance.

As I thought later about the events that transpired, I thought of how I wanted to do the entire route my way. What would have happened? For one thing I would have run out of light sooner but of far greater significance I would have missed that couple who helped me. One more minute and they were driving away. 

Sydny was rewarded also. He gets quite adamant about his time to eat in the late afternoon. I gave him some chili con carne with his dog food. He was as excited as I was to find my keys and phone.

How do you view God? I view him as a Father who seeks intimacy with his children. He wants to embrace us. Think about the two books by Jack Frost I mentioned in the beginning. You can't work your way, follow the law, or be good enough to find intimacy with God. It is his grace that allows that and his grace is sufficient for all.

Who Cut in on You?

Our God has different avenues to speak to us. Many years ago I was walking down a lonely dark street and I experienced a whoosh from head to toe.I heard words so clear, so precise, so life changing that I can only refer to that time as a Road to Damascus moment. I gave up a life of drugs, promiscuity, immorality, endless parties, and was born again.

I was passionate about my discovery that God was indeed real but in the years to come I fell far away, and I never saw God as the loving father that he is. He was still the angry finger pointing God that was taught to me in my youth.

Many years later I found myself back in the church I joined in the 80's but had not set foot inside the building in many years. That was almost six years ago. I connected with virtually no one and kept people at arm's length who tried to just be friendly. I did not belong and yet I kept returning.

There has been no Road to Damascus but ever so gently a loving Father began to call me home. He understood that I was not ready yet to let go of the things that I was drawn too and yet also haunted by. He was the consummate gentleman.

The first significant episode I can recall occurred as I was sitting alone in the pew minutes before the service began. I picked up the Bible held in the rack in front of me and opened it without thought. My eyes fell upon the scripture from Galatians 5:7  You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?

I did not have an answer to his question but I certainly knew he was talking to me and if he was talking to me he had not given up on my returning home to him.